Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb

Ladies..finding “Mr. Right” can sometimes feel like finding a needle in hay stack. It can just be downright nerve wrecking! Ugh! What is a girl to do?…

In Lori Gottlieb’s new book, “Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough”, Lori identifies the 7 Mistakes Single Women Make. Hmm…if you often find yourself dry like the Sahara Desert, it is finally time to find out WHY?!


Wait…she is not saying anything is wrong with you, so before you start rolling your eyes and snapping your neck, hear Lori out:

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"There’s a big difference between compromising and settling. I don’t want the takeaway to be, pick the next guy off of Match.com and marry him. I’m saying, you don’t have to do anything differently if you don’t want. But if you feel like it hasn’t been working and you’re wondering why you haven’t met Mr. Right yet, think about looking for the qualities that are important. You can find someone you’ll be really happy with and fall totally in love with. These guys are all around you but you’re not giving them a chance. You could be passing up tons of Mr. Rights. And you’re going out with all the Mr. Wrongs. It’s less about what you wear or do on a date than it is about having healthier standards. You can still have the fairy tale, but it will look different from what the media portrays as the fairy tale.…The same unrealistic expectations we have about dating, we have about marriage, too. Married people have said that this book makes them appreciate their husbands more".

Grab a pen and paper…here goes:

1. We feel entitled.
Gottlieb: “Women try to be good friends to each other. We say, ‘You deserve this, you’re so great! You’re such a good catch! Any man would be lucky!’ [Men don’t say that to each other.] We are good catches, but we also are human and we’re not perfect and somebody’s going to have to put up with us for the rest of his life. And we forget. My dating coach said, write down all the reasons a guy would not want to date you. At first I didn’t think I had that many things, because you think you’re a pretty good catch. He said, what you think of as quirky, endearing, and cute, is really annoying to someone else. But he would love you so much that he would overlook that. And you need to overlook things in him. Everybody has to compromise.”

2. We think we have unlimited options.
Gottlieb: “You walk into a store and you know you want a sweater and it has to go with this outfit and it has to be this color, and you’d like to be on sale. You find something great, but you wonder if there’s something better out there, so you keep searching. In the end, after three more weeks of searching for the perfect sweater—was it so much better than the one you could have bought originally? Whether it’s with men or sweaters…if you just think you have unlimited options for the rest of your life, of course you’ll keep looking, who wouldn’t?”

3. We’re judgmental.
Gottlieb: “The guys I interviewed for the book said women judge them so much. Women gave me 300 reasons they wouldn’t go on a second date with a guy, and men gave 3. When guys are ready for that stage of life, they find someone who is good enough that they’re totally in love with—but that person may not seem to the outside world to be as appealing in superficial ways—maybe she’s not as accomplished or funny as the last girl. Whatever he sees in her, he does. Guys don’t sit and micro-analyze a woman the way a woman would with a man. He knows she’s not as hot as the last girl he dated, but that’s okay. She’s hot enough.”

4. We’re pickier than men.
Gottlieb: “With online dating, we judge based on objective criteria (height, sports nut), rather than subjective (attraction), which you can’t judge until you meet the person. When you read other people’s profiles, don’t make assumptions or rule them out because of one thing they wrote. You can fall in love with a guy who wrote that he likes Madonna, but you can’t fall in love with a guy who isn’t kind.”

5. We go for the alpha males.
Gottlieb: “In cities where you find a lot of really ambitious, Type A, driven people, like in NYC and L.A., with the entertainment business and Wall Street…you get a lot of ‘maximizers’ [people who keep looking over their shoulder for something better]. Maximizer women date maximizer men. They will be just as picky in a bad and unhealthy way. The men who are actually available and wanting commitment and who are smart and funny and cute—maybe one guy is a little bit shorter, so he’s not getting the women. Maybe he’s not smooth initially or in big groups, but he is one-on-one. These are the kind of people who when you’re 35, 45, 55, that you’ll be happy with when you’re married, and the guy who is super charming at the party and has the crowd of women around him, maybe he’s not going to make as good of a husband. Maybe he’s not going to call you back. That guy is going to be judgmental and picky, and who wants that?”

6. We think, “I love me more.”
Gottlieb: “We don’t need a man. We don’t. But if you want one and you go around with this attitude of ‘I love me more,’ [what Samantha said in the Sex and the City movie, after she dumps a hot guy who helped her through cancer (and female audiences cheered)] well, a relationship is about reciprocity, so you need to love yourself and you need to be able to have some selflessness and love somebody else. Women take Samantha’s message as really empowering. If you don’t want to be alone—maybe Samantha does—that’s a dangerous message.”

7. We think he needs to share every interest.
Gottlieb: “We say, ‘I’m a writer, but he doesn’t read! I’m creative.’ But people can be creative in different ways, and the fact that he doesn’t read the same books that you do, well, maybe he wants someone who he can talk about the baseball game with but you’re not that person. The guy doesn’t have to be one-stop shopping. You’re not going to share every single interest, and that’s okay. The shared interest should be, Do we want the same things out of life? Do we both want to be married right now?”

Source

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I haven’t read this book yet, but I completely agree with the 7 mistakes single women make. This book seems like a good book for both women who are single and also women who are in a relationship. It seems like a guide that helps women pin point the mistakes they make in relationships. Here's my two cents on the topic:

For mistake #1 – We feel entitled – I do think that sometimes we women think that we are too good for a guy. We always tend to focus on the man’s faults and never our own. I can recall countless times in which I got mad at my boyfriend for being late, slacking off, or being disorganized… but when I commit any of these acts I always excuse myself.. it’s either “I’m late because I was trying to dress up and look hot for my date”, or “I’m sooo tired from work and school.. so let me just sit on my butt and relax… I can start studying tomorrow” or “My room is this messy because I was soo busy this week”. When we hear the same excuses from a man, we view them as lazy and not responsible. But why don’t we view ourselves as “lazy and not responsible” when we do the same things? I know that sometimes we women are more determined and out going than men, but honestly we need to cut them some slack. We shouldn’t ignore the good things they do and just focus on the bad. If we keep on doing that, we might lose our “Mr. Right”!

For mistake #2 – We think we have unlimited options – Personally, I do not feel this way. To me, finding a good man is pretty hard… and if I do find myself in a relationship with someone who I think is “perfect” for me, I’m going to try to keep him forever! But it isn’t like this for some of my friends. I’ve seen some of my girlfriends with some really nice, down to earth, and presentable guys.. but they left them because they felt as if they could do better. I think that mistake #1 “We feel entitled” plays a big role in this type of mindset. Since we women tend to focus mainly on the mistakes of men and forget to look at our own flaws, we mind feel as if we are too good for someone and leave just to find someone who we think is better. Ladies, we do not have unlimited options.. the longer you wait and the more guys you reject, then the lesser your chances are to finding Mr. Right because another girl has probably already claimed him! I’m not saying that we should go on dates with every guy that tries to randomly talk to us. I am saying that if there’s a nice, educated, and presentable guy in the picture, try to get to know him a little more and don’t be so quick to put him down… because seriously, the more time we waste on loser guys, the more likely we will just end up settling for less. I have a friend who has dated a ton of guys. And out of that ton, most of them were losers. A few were nice, educated, and presentable guys.. but she left them because she felt as if she had unlimited options. And now her parents are pressuring her to get married.. and honestly, I feel as if she is settling for less. If she has just not rejected one of the nice, educated, and presentable guys that were in her life before, then she wouldn’t have been in this mess. So ladies, if you see a good man, snatch him before some other chick does!

For mistake #3 – We’re judgmental – I totally agree with this mistake! Although we don’t want to admit it, all women judge. We really need to stop micro-analyzing every last detail there is about the man we are dating or the man we are interested in. If we analyze tooo much, we might miss the big picture (a really nice guy with a great heart). Like I’ve said before, stop being picky and him before some other chick does!

For mistake #4 – We’re pickier than men – This mistake also goes to play with us women being judgmental. I don’t want to be harsh, but before anyone starts judging people’s looks, they should take a good look in the mirror. That goes for both guys and gals. If you do not look like a 10, then don’t aim for guys that are 10’s! It’s as simple as that. I see so many sloppy girls judging both guys and other girls based on their looks… these sloppy girls were so busy judging others that they forgot to judge themselves. To save you from heartbreak, be honest with yourself. If you are a 7, go for guys that are 7’s. And ladies, looks aren’t everything! Your date can be super hot, but if there’s no attraction between you two then the relationship probably won’t last. And also try to be sure that the attraction isn’t pure physical. Having an emotional spark is also VERY important!

For mistake #5 – We go for the alpha males – I completely agree with this mistake… but, I would edit the mistake to “We go for assholes”. We women need to stop going to the “bad boys”. Why do we go for them in the first place??? I see soo many out going, smart, and wonderful girls dating scumbags… how did this happen?!!? We always talk about having a man that listens to us, cares for us, and loves us unconditionally. So how the hell do we expect a “bad boy” to fulfill our expectations?!!? STOP GOING FOR THE ASSHOLES, AND GO FOR THE SWEETHEARTS!!! Personally, I have always dated assholes. They never went out of their way for me, they weren’t understanding, and all I remember doing was arguing. Now that I date a sweetheart, I see a tremendous difference! I am A LOT less worried about my relationship. Before, my relationship would be a stress factor in my life.. but now it’s the most relaxing part of my life… and that’s how it should be. LADIES, GO FOR THE GUY THAT ACTUALLY NOTICES YOU, NOT THE ONE THAT’S TOO BUSY NOTICING OTHER GIRLS!

For mistake #6 – We think, “I love me more.”– I agree with Gottlieb’s idea with have a mindset similar to Samantha’s from SATC. I didn’t view Samantha’s message as empowering… I saw it as stupidity! She left a good looking, famous, and successful man who helped her through cancer…. WHY!!! Because she missed being single!? A relationship is about compromising… If you are not willing to compromise, then don’t expect to be treated like a princess. And if you love yourself so much that you can’t compromise, then you might not be ready for a relationship. There’s a difference between “compromising in a relationship” and “losing yourself if a relationship”… I think this is where the confusion arises. Compromising is coming to middle grounds on a situation while not neglecting each other’s feelings. This is when you love yourself and you are able to have some selflessness and love somebody else. By being unselfish, your altruistic acts would be reciprocated back by your significant other. To me, when you communicate and not bottle up hurt feelings then the relationship grows. Getting your thoughts across and having him respect your feelings is empowering. Losing yourself in a relationship is a whole other story. This is when there is no “me” and there’s only a “he” in the relationship. To be in a successful relationship, try not to lose yourself and make sure you compromise!

For mistake #7 – We think he needs to share every interest – This is a BIG mistake! I used to think like this also, but then I realized that it’s so much more fun having your significant other be a little different. It’s great having a boyfriend that has many things in common, but honestly, it can get kind of boring. Having a significant other that likes to do different things, to me, keeps the relationship more fun and interesting. Not only can you learn about new things or things you probably would have never heard about, you also have so much more to talk about. My boyfriend and me are complete opposites. Yes, we do share the same values, but when it comes to music, recreation, or hobbies, we are completely different. And I love it like this. I learn from him and he learns from me =)


I don't know if I'll buy Gottlieb's book because I think that this list of mistakes was probably the main points we could get from it. But, it seems really interesting, so maybe when I have nothing to read I'll look into it. But I really hope reading this helps someone!