What is the “spark” of a relationship? How do people get this “spark”? Can people lose this special “spark”? If so, can you get this “spark” back? Lately for the past couple of months I’ve been asking and wondering about the answers to these questions. Everyone I asked had the same answers, and they too didn’t seem too sure of their responses. I googled the topic, but no one really explained what the “spark” is, and how it occurs… everyone always talks about how to revive this ambiguous bond. Here’s what I got from some of my online search:
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How to bring back the spark of a relationship you had once shared?
There are several ways to get the spark back in someone’s relationship. One way is to do something nice. Make her feel wanted by you and that you still find her attractive in your eyes. Girls love to feel loved, esp. by those that they love. Send her flowers at work with an “I love you” card... or surprise and make her supper. Or maybe take her on a night out on the town. Seriously if something has happened that’s keeping you two apart then you need to sit down and talk about it because communication is the key to any good relationship. Make sure what ever you do is from the heart... even if its getting her, her favorite candy... she'll love it and she'll realize that you still care and you want to try and make it work. Another thing might be that there’s no spark in the bedroom... try something new... ask her what she likes, just get her involved.
Recognizing that passion has taken a downward turn is the first step toward correcting it. A couple that is committed to maintaining a quality relationship will monitor it carefully. They will discuss their declining passion and will seek ways to restore aliveness and pleasure.
I am fond of telling people that love is a verb not a noun. Love doesn't just happen. You don't “trip” into love and you don't “fall” into love. Real love and passion is something that two people must work at together.
A good sexual relationship is nothing more than good communication. To communicate, first and foremost, you need to know how to listen. To listen you have to get out of your own way. You need to empty your head of your arguments, preconceived notions, expectations and opinions and then be open with your entire being to what the other is communicating.
Both men and women need to let go of trying to prove themselves to one another and learn to satisfy one another. When they achieve that goal, their reward will be a passionate and loving relationship.
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It's not surprising that things have fizzled a bit sometime into your relationship. You've probably become pretty well set in the groove of everyday life. Between jobs and kids and various commitments, it's often a challenge to find time keep the flame alive. The good news is that with both of you willing to take some steps to revitalize your relationship, you can surpass where you were when you first got together. Instead of just the spark of a new relationship, you can have passion plus the intimacy that comes from having a history of commitment to each other.
Sometimes people assume that having a spark equals being spontaneous and that the only way to have a spark is to have (and wait for) those unplanned intimate moments. There's no doubt that unprompted interactions are wonderful. However, being intentional about time spent together is just as significant and can yield results that are just as positive, if not more so, since you had to invest time and energy to have them. Plus, time is passing and emotional distance is potentially growing while you are waiting for that spontaneous moment to “just happen”. By taking the initiative and making time together happen, there's more of a chance that sparks will fly!
Also, realize that nothing is necessarily wrong. It's a normal course of events for couples to experience alternating times of closeness and distance. That being said, you want to do what you can to make sure that the periods of separateness are followed by times of meaningful connection. Everyone has heard the saying, “It takes work to make a relationship work”. It's also true that the work involved can be fun, too.
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From talking to people, reading several articles, and of course my own experience I realized that there are two types of sparks: a physical sexual spark, and an emotional personality spark. Both, physical sexual spark and emotional personality spark are needed for a successful committed relationship. When talking about the “spark”, most people and articles discuss the physical sexual spark and not so much about the emotional personality spark. I guess this is because physical relationships are much easier to understand and generalize than emotional bonds. Physical sparks are also more common since men tend to think with their penises rather than their hearts. The emotional spark, on the other hand, is much more rare, less easy to understand, and hard to find. Bonding with another person emotionally is an extraordinary occurrence... something just seems to click and boom! This is the type of spark that leads to someone finding their soul mate and true love. Although both types of sparks are essential for all committed relationships, I feel that the emotional personality spark is much more important because this is the force that drives two individuals to want to be together for eternity.
So why do committed couples that look ideal for each other fall apart? These “perfect” couples did not have the two types of sparks. At first they probably just had an intense physical sexual spark, and since they liked spending time together they thought that they had also developed the emotional personality spark. As time went by each individual molded their personalities so that they could be more appealing for their significant other. In that way, the couple basically painted a perfect portrait and was admired by everyone. Little did the other people, and maybe even the couple themselves, knew that their picture perfect relationship was lacking something crucial, a real genuine emotional connection... not the false one that they thought that they had developed. Also, it is possible that one person in the relationship actually did develop that emotional spark, while the other person just went with the flow and confused the sexual spark with the emotional connection. No matter which case, over time when things aren’t picture perfect, the flaws of their false emotional connection become more apparent. And this is when hell breaks loose.
After experiencing this myself, I advise people to be certain that both types of sparks are present in your relationship before you start dreaming about the future. Believe me, it will save you a lot of heartache. Sisters please watch out! It’s usually us females that end up with the broken heart at the end. I personally believe that in the hopes of reaching for the moon men fail to see the flowers that blossom at their feet. Most men really don’t understand what they have until they lose it because they are complete idiots! I bolded most men because I do believe that there are some men out there (probably 5% of the whole male population in the whole world) that are also looking for a partner with their hearts and not their dicks. These men are looking for companions and life long friendships… not temporary relationships. I highly respect these men, and I dream about finding a guy that thinks this way. Also girls, do not try to hold onto something that you know deep down inside will not work out. If a guy tells you that you are not “the one” for him, that means that you really aren’t the one. His heart and mind clearly doesn’t view you as “wifey”, so don’t try to change his mind. Ladies stop dreaming and do not expect to wait for him to suddenly realize his mistake and come back to you Once a man has made up his mind, there’s no use trying to “change” him because most men are very stubborn... probably because of their “ego”. Many of us women might think that being very intimate to our man will cause him to rethink his decision and come back to us. Ladies, sex doesn’t make men want you emotionally. When engaging in this extremely intimate act we females tend to get our emotions involved, but men DO NOT… it is mostly physical for them. So don’t make that mistake and don’t give a guy who clearly doesn’t want you your all… just save yourself for that man who will truly respect, care, and listen to you. I would want to only be intimate with someone who cherishes me. He doesn’t have to worship me and constantly be calling and spending time with me… he just has to respect me and love me for who I am… not who he wants me to be. I want someone that will make me laugh when I am stressed, hug me when I feel lonely, still think that I am beautiful even on my bum days, and be there for me when I am down. I do not want to waste my tears and feelings for a guy who does not see how precious I am.
So if your relationship doesn’t have both types of sparks, and he has told you that you aren’t “the one”… then you should really just move on. It’s going to be very hard at first, but just keep in mind that there IS someone out there that is truly made for you. If you keep on viewing your world with fogged lenses then you will not be able to see your real prince charming. Once love knocks you down, you have to just get back up. It’s very unfortunate that people don't get their happy ending that they wished and prayed for… but remember.. just be optimistic, live your life, love yourself, and sooner or later you will just not care anymore about the past and you will be ready for your future =).
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