My Father's Anger Problems

People might call me evil and selfish for saying this, but I absolutely hate my father. I don’t hate him for stupid reasons and I don’t hate him because of his role in my life. I hate him when he gets angry. My dad has very uncontrollable anger issues. His anger problems probably started around 5 to 6 years ago. At first he started getting angry at me because I always used to have disagreements with my mother. He would just get involved and start screaming at me along with her. I think that’s normal for a parent to do. But then he started to break things in the house, like cups, plates, and the remote… whatever that was near him. I guess I would say that is kind of normal also. I don’t like making any of my parents angry so I started avoiding confrontations with my mother. But, we all know that we can't keep away from our mothers, and if we are around them too much then there are going to be disagreements. Although me and my mother argue all of the time, we are very close to each other. Sometimes we would just playfully argue with each other and that would cause my father to have his anger fits as well. And instead of just breaking one cup, he started to break EVERYTHING in the kitchen and living room… when I say everything, I mean EVERYTHING! When I first saw him doing this I told him right away that he has angry problems, but since he has a huge ego that just made his anger worse. When he would start acting like this, my mom would then actually get mad at me and tell me to be quiet.

As the years went by my fathers anger issue worsened. At first he would only have these anger problems whenever I had any type of disagreement with him or my mother. But later he started to have arguments with my mother about random thing. I am not saying that people shouldn’t get mad, but how can you get soo angry at your wife over something like not coming to you because she was upstairs talking to her daughter about her day? If my mom doesn’t go to him within like 5 minutes of him calling her, he just starts breaking everything that’s near him. Now that’s definitely not normal. I told my mom so many times that he needs counseling. At first she would say that I get him mad because I was a “bad” daughter… for those who don’t know me, I am a senior at college that is double majoring in psychology and biochemistry. I am on the dean’s lists practically every semester, if I’m not it’s probably because I got a freaking 3.49999 instead of a 3.5. I tell my mom almost everything about my life. I am not a slut. Every time I go out, I tell my parents. I have been working and using my own money to buy all things for myself since I was 17. I don’t ask my parents for any money for my own bills. Along with my job, I also manage to volunteer at different places and also work at the autism lab at my college. I don’t hang out with bad people. I don’t drink, smoke, or do any other kind of drug. I don’t even stay out late partying… not because my parents won’t allow it, but because I have my priorities straight and I don’t want anything interfering with my school work. Yes, I am stubborn, but at the same time I am a very nice girl, and almost every older person I meet loves me. So, apparently I am a bad daughter.

Probably around last year my mom actually started to realize that it wasn’t us that was the problem, it’s him. Now anything can tick him off. I used to tell him that he needs counseling, but that would just make the situation worse. He would just call me an ungrateful child that has no respect for her parents and he would just then continue breaking everything. He never actually attacked us physically, but he has tried throwing things at us, like glassware, chairs, or anything that was near him. I am the type of person that has to say something if I see something wrong. My father’s behavior is obviously uncalled for, so whenever I see him acting like this I would scream at him to stop and say that he has problems. He would just then get angrier and the situation would just go from bad to worse. So now whenever I see or hear him getting angry, I just ignore him.

His anger problems really affect the mental well-being of my whole family. We all have to constantly live in fear and we say and do everything with caution. If I am upstairs on the computer or reading and I hear something fall in the kitchen by accident, my sympathetic nervous system immediately turns on because I’m scared that it might be my father having another one of his anger tantrums. Living like this is just so unhealthy. I feel as life I have no peace in my life. At first I used to just keep all of this inside of me and I wouldn’t tell anyone about my father’s problem. But after a while, I just couldn’t take it anymore. I started to tell my ex-boyfriend, but he would just brush it off and say that everyone’s parents get mad and start breaking things. Once he even told me to not bring in this ‘unnecessary’ stress into our relationship and that he didn’t want to hear about my father’s problems. Him saying that just made me more sad and since that day I haven’t once gone to him or called him after one of my dad’s tantrums. I started to tell my girlfriends, but I don’t think they understand how bad it is.

Me, my sister, mom, and even my autistic brother can’t stand my father’s issues. Ever since my dad has started “getting mad”, my brother has been hitting himself. Since some individuals with autism can’t speak and express their feelings verbally, they start hitting themselves to show anger. He takes medicine for his self-injurious behaviors, but sometimes even that doesn’t stop him from getting upset during one of my father’s tantrums. I can also see how negatively this is affecting my mother. My father and her fell in love and got married, so she always tells us how she never expected this from him. She’s always saying how her life is now like hell because of him. I hate how she doesn’t get mad at him for his behavior. She is just so passive. She says that she can’t do anything about it because she doesn’t have a career of her own. Seeing my mother feeling “stuck” really makes me hate women who depend on a man for food, clothes and shelter. Women, please DO NOT depend on men for ANYTHING! I am not saying that women shouldn’t trust men; just don’t get yourself stuck in a dead end. Go to school, get a job, and just try to be independent on some matters.

Life is already stressful, but to live with this is just unbearable. Just this morning my father had a tantrum because my sister was helping me do my hair. Can you believe that! I woke up at 6:30, was done taking a shower by 7:00, and my sister started helping me do my hair then so that she would be done by 8:00. She had to leave the house by 9:00 because she has class at 10:30. My dad got mad because she wasn’t getting ready for school at 7:30! First he just threw a plastic container at my sister’s bedroom door, and I told her to just ignore him and hurry with my hair. But five minutes later we hear him breaking EVERYTHING in the kitchen. This is just ridiculous. He gets mad over nothing. I HATE how his anger is so uncontrollable. My whole family started off the day bad just because of him. I don’t hate him, but I hate the person he becomes when he’s mad.

This is an article I found online about different types of anger. There are supposed to be 10 different kinds of anger, but I only put up the info for the types of anger that I think my dad might have.

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Anger is a natural part of the human condition, but it isn't always easy to handle. And when people don't handle it well, the harm they do can be visible and it can't be visible.

Some people mask their anger. Others explode with rage. For still others, anger is a chronic condition, a habit of resentment that surfaces over and over again.

There are ten anger styles:

Sudden Anger: People with sudden anger are like thunderstorms on a summer day. They zoom in from nowhere, blast everything in sight, and then vanish. Sometimes it's only lightning and thunder, a big show that soon blows away. But often people get hurt, homes are broken up, and things are damaged that will take a long time to repair. Sudden Anger people gain a surge of power. They release all their feelings, so they feel good or relieved. Loss of control is a major problem with sudden anger. They can be a danger to themselves and others. They may get violent. They say and do things they later regret, but by then it's too late to take them back.

Shame-Based Anger: People who need a lot of attention or are very sensitive to criticism often develop this style of anger. The slightest criticism sets off their own shame. Unfortunately, they don't like themselves very much. They feel worthless, not good enough, broken, unlovable. So, when someone ignores them or says something negative, they take it as proof that the other person dislikes them as much as they dislike themselves. But that makes them really angry, so they lash out. They think, "You made me feel awful, so I'm going to hurt you back." They get rid of their shame by blaming, criticizing, and ridiculing others. Their anger helps them get revenge against anybody they think shamed them. They avoid their own feelings of inadequacy by shaming others.
Raging against others to hide shame doesn't work very well. They usually end up attacking the people they love. They continue to be oversensitive to insults because of their poor self-image. Their anger and loss of control only makes them feel worse about themselves.

Deliberate Anger: This anger is planned. People who use this anger usually know what they are doing. They aren't really emotional about their anger, at least not at first. They like controlling others, and the best way they've discovered to do that is with anger and, sometimes, violence. Power and control are what people gain from deliberate anger. Their goal is to get what they want by threatening or overpowering others. This may work for a while, but this usually breaks down in the long run. People don't like to be bullied and eventually they figure out ways to escape or get back at the bully.

Addictive Anger: Some people want or need the strong feelings that come with anger. They like the intensity even if they don't like the trouble their anger causes them. Their anger is much more than a bad habit - it provides emotional excitement. It isn't fun, but it's powerful. These people look forward to the anger "rush," and the emotional "high." Anger addicts gain a sense of intensity and emotional power when they explode. They feel alive and full of energy. Addictions are inevitably painful and damaging. This addiction is no exception. They don't learn other ways to feel good, so they become dependent upon their anger. They pick fights just to get high on anger. And, since they need intensity, their anger takes on an all-or-nothing pattern that creates more problems than it solves.

Habitual Anger: Anger can become a bad habit. Habitually angry people find themselves getting angry often, usually about small things that don't bother others. They wake up grumpy. They go through the day looking for fights. They look for the worst in everything and everybody. They usually go to bed angry about something. They might even have angry dreams. Their angry thoughts set them up for more and more arguments. They can't seem to quit being angry, even though they are unhappy. Habitually angry people gain predictability. They always know what they feel. Life may be lousy but it is known, safe, and steady. However, they get trapped in their anger and it runs their lives. They can't get close to the people they love because their anger keeps them away.

Hate: Hate is a hardened anger. It is a nasty anger style that happens when someone decides that at least one other person is totally evil or bad. Forgiving the other person seems impossible. Instead, the hater vows to despise the offender. Hate starts as anger that doesn't get resolved. Then it becomes resentment, and then a true hatred that can go on indefinitely. Haters often think about the ways they can punish the OFFENDER and they sometimes act on those ideas. These people feel they are innocent victims. They create a world of enemies to fight, and they attack them with great vigor and enthusiasm. However, this hatred causes serious damage over time. Haters can't let go or get on with life. They become bitter and frustrated and their lives become mean, small and narrow.

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I don't know how I can let my father know that he's wrong, especially with his big ego. I just hope some day soon he'll realize how he's breaking our family apart.