Love Sucks When Everyone in the World is Happy Except You...

Life really sucks when you’re on a break and for some odd reason everyone around you is madly in love! I honestly can’t believe my luck… I think I’ve seen more happy couples this past week than I have seen in the past four months. Everywhere I go couples are either talking about love, showing lots of PDA, or just seem so freaking happy. Don’t get me wrong, I usually adore seeing people in love…. but NOT when my own relationship is on the rocks! All of this is just getting ridiculous. Today in class my Spanish professor wanted the quiet students in class to sing a song that I’ve never heard of called Bésame Mucho. This song goes like this:

Bésame, bésame mucho
Como si fuera esta noche
La última vez

Bésame, bésame mucho
Que tengo miedo a perderte
Perderte después


And of course with my luck, she chose me to help sing the song! When you translate the lyrics, it basically means:

Kiss me, kiss me many times as if this night were for the last time.
Kiss me, kiss me many times, I’m so afraid I will lose you, lose you later on.

Great, a song about me…. more gloom for my already miserable life. Can you believe that I even have to hear about this love crap in my Spanish class!

My Valentine’s Day was horrible… probably one of the worst ones I’ve had in years. I didn’t get much sleep because the night before I went to a masquerade ball. Although the masquerade ball kept me from thinking about my relationship dilemma, as soon as it was over I felt like dooodie again. I woke up in a grumpy mood and worked all day long. I tried to keep myself busy at work so that I wouldn’t think about him. I was doing a really good job, but then he called me for 30 seconds just to find out where I was.. and I was back into my hole of misery. I was so exhausted when my dad picked me up from work that I completely forgot that it was his birthday. He told us that he wanted to go out to this Iranian restaurant, so he took us home so that we could drop off our books and change clothes. When I opened the door I saw a tall rectangular box in my living room. At first I thought that it was probably something I forgot that I bought online, but then I was wondering why it would be in such a weird shaped box. That’s when I saw the 1800-flowers.com label on the box. I knew the box was for me, but why would he send me flowers? So I asked my mom if it was for my dad from the hospital or one of his patients.. she just stared at me like I was on crack. I opened the box and found a beautiful bouquet of roses. I was going to put them in water, but I realized that I didn’t read the card that came with the flowers. I started to freak out because I couldn’t find it, but then Sabreena told me that it was on the box. I open the card anxiously, just to find out that it was blank! He does something to make me happy, but he left the job undone. Me and Sabreena tried to analyze the blank card and see if there was a reason for leaving it blank. But I knew that he probably just forgot.

My bouquet of roses:

Although the card was blank, I wanted to call him or text him saying thank you and tell him how much I love him, but then that would just defeat the purpose of giving him his break. This is what confuses me the most.. he wants a break because he needs space and alone time, but then why does he still call and send flowers? I know it probably means that he misses me, but then what’s the whole purpose of this ‘break’?

Even though the roses made my day, I still felt empty. I still need more of him. I can’t stand this emotional distance. It’s as if he’s forcing me to build a wall between us. I try so hard not to think about my relationship, but I just can’t help it. Although it’s getting easier for me to bear this detachment, but it still hurts me. Everyday I wonder if he finally snapped out of his dark state of mind, but nothing seems to change. I just really wish he was perceiving all of this in my point of view, that way he could understand all of this sadness he’s putting me through.